An Effortless Guide to Growing Pumpkins

1. This coming Fall, take a field trip to the pumpkin patch and pick out an orange beauty. Or, grab a pumpkin out of the big cardboard box in front of the grocery store when you run in for milk.

2. Place the pumpkin on your porch, or maybe in the center of your dining table, and bask in it's warm glow on those cold, short autumn days.

3. Save your precious pumpkin from would be squash surgeons who seek to personify your pumpkin with a devilish grin, set it aglow with flame for one short night in late October, and send it to an early grave.

4. When the days become shorter and colder, and orange is no longer the color of the season, and you are ready to surround yourself with green pine boughs and red holly berries, find a spot for your orange friend in your backyard and bid him farewell.

5. After you have completely detached yourself from the pumpkin, let your son have at him with hammers, baseball bats, and any other would be weapons in the hands of a small boy.

6. Wait six months, and you will notice several small green leaves sprouting in the same place where the massacre occurred. Watch closely as these leaves grow and send forth new leaves, followed by huge yellow flowers, and pale green curly cues.

7. Tenderly water this plant by hand, all the while apologizing for the fate of his forefather. If you are forgiven, the plant will bless you with several fruits, save you the chore of buying a pumpkin come fall, and provide you with your own personal pumpkin patch, which will amuse your children and their friends to no end.

8. If steps 1-7 do not work, pray that a bird drops a fertile pumpkin seed bomb somewhere in your yard.